All of Us Are Scrooged
A Christmas Gift Guide with Serving Suggestions

Unfortunately, the Mayans were wrong. Congratulations, humanity. Yet again, we have been granted the privilege to eat and breathe our way into the holiday seasons, secure in the knowledge that our Groupons will remain valid into 2013, that our iDevices will still get major upgrades, and that Tagalized Koreanovelas will always figure into our primetime programming.

No, the world did not end, and we remain blissful participants in this universal entropy. Homo sapiens prevails. Why do we even try?

Happy Holidays, everyone! Don’t worry, though…along with those kidney stones, the holidays will pass in a few more days. We can finally say goodbye to the oxymoron that is ‘holiday driving’ – goodbye to our mabuhey lanes, our reduced IQs, and our diminishing life expectancies. I can’t say the same for ‘Christmas In Our Hearts’, however. Jose Mari will outlive us all. That carol will see us to our wizened, incontinent years – always there to fill us with a sticky feeling that, for a change, won’t be in our diapers (but much worser).

Of course, I’m pissed. Had the world ended, I wouldn’t even need a Christmas list. Thanks to an ancient Mesoamerican clerical error, I now require some last minute gift shopping. And no, none of you is getting a Starbucks mug.

Don’t judge me, though. I know that a lot of you are in the same predicament, if only for the few imaginary readers who sent me emails asking about gift advice for boys. Well, good on them, because I’m feeling mighty generous. Christmas should be made special, after all, if only for the kids. I was in the middle of preparing for a fashion post when they emailed, but whatever…

Enjoy!


Reader Dickensian writes:

Merry Christmas, Ronan! I need help with our office Kris Kringle for the category ‘something hard, long, and hard.’ Please give me advice. XOXO!

 

Hello, Dickensian!

I see that your co-workers are funny people. I know this from the fact that they come up with the funny category of ‘something penisy’ every year. My only recommendation for now is for you to buy anything that doesn’t resemble a penis, because screw them for wanting to spread dick on Christmas. What I’m saying is: you have the bloody right to bring whatever un-penisy gift you like. For your recipient, I suggest robots. Robots always make people happy. They’re also better than penises as gifts.

Luckily, I have already picked out the best un-penisy robots for you…

Diverse Machine Shop Truck Warrior
Where to Buy: Toy Kingdom (multiple branches)
Street Price: PhP 50.00


When the horse is being repaired and the yacht is being euthanized, the weekend still need not be wasted. Hit the links in style with your Diverse MachineShop Truck Warrior. This pocket-sized pneumatic pal is what you need for a hip and happening hole-in-one!

If your budget is PhP 50-and-under, then this is the thing for you. Admittedly, this is a toy that parents only buy when their kid starts throwing a fit in the store. Toy Kingdom knows this, which is why finding this thing in the aisles takes only about as long as placating a crying child.


Son, you are just like a son to me.

Diverse Machineshop Truck Warrior is an obvious Transformers knockoff. This particular character is called ‘Crane Warrior’, possibly because he transforms into a crane. I like him. He’s good people… I mean, just look at his driver:

Mr. Driver there is from Fisher Price’s ‘Little People’, and you can’t be more harmless than that. Also, Crane Warrior’s chest has an Autobots icon (barely visible). He’s good guys, like SMDC, but in sheep’s clothing, because he is based off a Decepticon – a G1 Constructicon named ‘Mixmaster’, to be precise. Yes, this thing is patterned on an evil cement mixer robot with a different decal from the 80s. It makes more sense when we look at the card back:

Crane Warrior’, we see, is fourth among six truck warriors. Look closely and it will be obvious that the even-numbered robots share a common body (i.e. G1 ‘Mixmaster’), as do the odd-numbered ones (i.e. G1 ‘Scrapper’). But what’s this? The ‘Fork Lift Truck Warrior’ isn’t even a forklift! Furthermore, if we get technical about it, ‘Container Truck Warrior’ doesn’t even count as ‘Machine Shop Truck Warriors’… and let’s not talk about the scale – ugh!

Oh, what does it say here?

Is that right? ‘Super Deformation’? What is this, Elephant Man? I remember my Communications teacher in business school who would always say: “We speak to express, not to impress.” In this case, it’s easy to understand that ‘super deformation’ describes the transformation process. No biggie. At only fifty pesoses, we have already waived our right to complain, especially about the Engrish. I mean, I grew up with Engrish, yo! A lot of my toys as a kid had indecipherable text, but I love them true sunshine, let’s play us! What I’m saying is that I am pretty tolerant with Engrish… case in point:

 

Distortion Android
Where to Buy: Greenhills Tiangge
Street Price: PhP 100.00 (last price)


Looking poor need not be so expensive anymore. Your personal Distortion Android will look quite snazzy among your vintage vinyls, secondhand books, and nifty knickknacks. It’s a thrift-shop thriller!

Hell, yeah. Distortion Android!


No, you weren’t adopted… but Daddy was… Daddy was…

Distortion Android is almost like a concept brief for dubstep. Don’t worry if you didn’t get that reference because you’d only be a worse person for it. Distortion Android is awesome, anyway. He better be – he is straight-up ripped off from ‘Barricade’ circa the Transformers 3 movie:

In China, robots deform. They’re technically ‘Deformers’. The phrase above may not need decryption, though, FYI. ‘The New Deformation Robot Movie 3’ may simply be the working title for Transformers 3. Damn it, I think that’s an even better title than what they came up with. Dark of the Moon? More like DORK of the Moonzing! That title is a lie, anyway – it doesn’t even sync up to ‘Wizard of Oz’, geez.

Whatever the case, we know that, unlike ‘Crane Warrior’ before, this ‘Distortion Android’ is bad to the boney:

He is ‘Evil Demons’, and we best remember this so we do not confuse him with ‘Virtuous Demons’. What is with robots and morality, though? Aren’t all robots evil, anyway, excepting Robin Williams and religious robots? You know, Reformation Androids? Mecha pilgrims? Oh, what’s this? New email!

 


Reader J-Man writes:

Hello Verb, are there gifts available for a discerning jihadist under ten?

 

Greetings, J-Man!

Yes, there are! And I have scoured the best stores for your very predicament. If anything, these products prove that the twelve-and-under extremist male demographic has now come into its own and simply cannot be ignored. Hardliners of all ages require playthings, too! And AK-47s are so old hat…

Incidentally, owning any of the following toys is equivalent to making bomb jokes at the airport. Also, gifting someone with any of them is tantamount to grave threats under International Law. Since you are already on that FBI watch-list, anyway, feel free to grab the following as stocking stuffers…

Superior-Android Jehad-Robot
Where to Buy: Cherry Foodarama, Congressional Ave.
Street Price: PhP 48.75


Every race is a battle. Every battle is a race. Declaring holy wars becomes easier when there are five Jehad-Robots in your collection. With these awesome automatons, everyday is righteous racing day. Ready… set… gun time!

Hello, Superior-Android Jehad-Robot… we meet again. I count five of you. You are a rainbow of colors but I can’t tell you apart, just like an Oriental boy band. You confuse me… why have you all been pressed from a singular Gundam mold, but in the primary Voltron colors? Do you combine? Nonetheless, I can’t beat your price – you’re only something like PhP 9.75 per minimally articulated robot.


We celebrate with great American Satan.

Hold on… what’s this we spy behind Green Jehadbot?

Special Mission! Once own, nothing can instead, hero of the present age.’ Duh! Like this even needed stating. Isn’t this already common knowledge?

Of course, I understand that robots are simply not for everyone. Not all of us need to fulfill ‘something long, hard, and long’ for a gift category, anyhow. For the rest of us, fortunately, there’ll always be homoerotic soldiery things.

 

J.I. Force
Where to Buy: SM Toy Express (multiple branches)
Street Price: PhP 129.75


Rock out like a mutha in the moshing pit and the discotheque. Glam up your turn in the spotlight with the J.I. Force duo. With these radical radicals, you will put the fun back in funk and fundamentalism! Rock on!

Not bad at all. It could be cheaper, for sure, but this thing is a two-fer. This would make for a trusty present for that little boy whom you find tolerable, yet whose parents you do not particularly like (but, you know, Christmas reunion?). I also expect that he’s not that cute (shh, don’t tell the parents), but for the price of a Big Mac meal? You can’t lose. The little bugger won’t even know.


The infidels party like stimulated sodomites.

This thing is considered contraband in Southeast Asia, which is somewhere around the area of here, here, and here. We’re pretty fun, you see – even our militant groups get immortalized into plastic playthings with silvery weapons. You can suck it, COBRA. When these toys get firecrackered, they get seventy-two virgins in their ‘Toy Story XXX’ afterlife.

The J.I. Force operative dude on the left wears a chainmail waistcoat for armor – he’s badass. He’s like a ninja or something. Dude on the right, on the other hand, has nothing except leopard-print tights and a headband. He’s obviously a stripper. These two could be identical twins. Or the same person, a ninja with a stripper alter-ego. Or twin strippers. There’s no way to know. Wait a sec – I’ve seen these two before during Tae-Bo class! The leopard dude is accurate even down to the cougar scratch-marks…

Oh, I get it. This thing is Henry Winkler. It’s the Fonz dressed up as Michael Dudikoff and Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat. I can’t say anything more. That’s just as awesome as a sentence can ever be. Next reader, please…

 


Reader BuyCurious writes:

I think my son is A GAY. He cries like a girl and he’s already three years old. What should I give him this Christmas?

 

Happy Holidays, BuyCurious!

Your son is not A GAY, but his dad is. He joins Kris Kringles yearly hoping to get something ‘long, hard, and dick’. Good for him, too, because Kris Kringles always make sure to give the gift of penis. Because – dammit – it’s funny.

You seem like a big spender… shall we look in the vicinity of 250 pesos?

MP5 Machine Gun
Where to Buy: UniMart Greenhills
Street Price: PhP 234.75


Chin up, pretty boy! Times are hard when you’re doing time. Complete your ensemble with the MP5 Machine Gun and be at your most criminally dashing. Whether you run or raise a racket, this wondrous weapon is your best little friend. Say hello, everyone!

This is a manly toy, reserved only for the manliest three-year-olds. It’s a toy gun, isn’t it? Do we like rhetorical questions? We even answer them! Yes, it is a toy gun. Totally nothing worrisome about that! It’s not half-bad, either. It’s definitely shiny. It’s cast in gun-metal plastic with gold and orange(!) embellishments.


Yes, there is a Santa Claus, he just doesn’t give half a care about you.

Note, however, that this is NOT an MP5 Machine Gun. It even says ‘Space Gun’ on the barrel. An MP5 is a SUBmachine gun, besides. Pfft. On the card, we see some more text describing what else it is not: “High Risk Mission Only, Realistic Sound, Vibration, Sparkling Light”. Like all guns, this ‘MP5 Machine Gun’ is very good in the way of compensation. Would that it actually had vibration… Seriously, look:

It shamelessly lists blatant lies, making it kind of – err – cocky: “Try Me, Press the trigger for light & sound”… no dice, of course. That, and those descriptions above, if anything, amount to false marketing (what, no vibration?). Even the text at the bottom of the package is a lie, “Battery Operated”. But let’s ignore all that for a minute and look at the real awesomeness here…

There’s a dude atop the gun where the sight needs to be. Not only that, Rom the Space Knight is also working a gun turret, no doubt aiming at something that’s fifteen degrees above the actual target. The placement is so awkward that you’d think you were holding him by his legs. Hmm

Try Me…”, he says. What is that between his legs? This gives ‘trigger-happy’ a whole new meaning, doesn’t it? If you so much as squeeze the trigger, you invariably give him happy. And don’t even get started about the butt of the gun.

My, on top of it being a toy gun, I never realized how offensive this thing is. Perhaps we should replace that dude with something friendlier… say, Spider-man?

OK, this is wrong. HUMP action is clearly not better than PUMP action – but at least it’s aiming straight. Speaking of which… do we have something that’s not so embarrassingly manly?

 

Sue
Where to Buy: Greenhills Tiangge
Street Price: PhP 280.00 (subject to haggling)


Why want frequent flier miles when you can be frequently fly? Jazz up the departure lounge with Sue. With your own trio of mile-high miniature mannequins, you will be the darling of the first-class cabin!

Christmas, dear person-thing, is when real men don their gay apparel, and this Sue set can certainly give your kid a head start. At 280 petots, it’s pretty impressive. Check out the package! How much more pink could this be? The answer is none… none more pink.


Nobody has to know.

The mononymous Sue is a character with a series of Flash games (Avata Star Sue). Google said so. I don’t know which of the three girls above is Sue, or whether she is even included. Whatever the case, this looks like fun. The idea is to mix and match the parts and accessories, like a girlier Mr. Potato Head.

By assembling a ‘special comprehensive pantdress’, this set teaches kids how to accessorize. Every day, you can change different style. I count around twenty-five accessories and loose parts in the box, most of which will disappear into couches and drains once they are loosed. Some of them will also be inevitably ingested, each bite revealing savory layers of heavy metals in the paint. ‘Sue’? That’s an imperative verb, isn’t it? I think that’s just the manufacturer being arrogant enough to issue a dare. To this effect, the back panel carries a warning:

Pay attention to affair: When the child play toys, please do not put them in your mouth, the toys can’t eat!” I remember my Communications teacher in business school who would always say: “We speak to express, not to impress.” Hot damn, but I’m impressed! Why wouldn’t you pay attention to affair? At least the manufacturer cares enough to inform you – emphatically! – not to indulge your oral fixation while the toys are being played with… stop it, will you? Leave the toys alone and let the kid play – the toys can’t eat! What, they’re not possessed by teething virtuous demons?

I understand that you’re looking for a gift for your son, but I never bought into the whole sex-typing thing. Giving him a Sue set won’t make him homosexual because, in a very uncomfortably Japanese way, these girls are cute. They’re all at least 9’s. I got my hands on a Barbie or two growing up, and I simply checked for anatomical precision. You see, a Barbie won’t turn a kid gay, but a Ken most definitely will (especially if the kid checks for anatomical precision). Last email of the day, promise…

 


Reader BagLady writes:

Hi! I shopped ‘til I dropped and bought all of the stuff you listed. It’s a lot. Where do I put them?

 

Well, BagLady… I’m glad you asked.

Sperma Jumbo Plastic Bags
Where to Buy: Blumentritt Market, Sampaloc
Street Price: PhP 120 (50 bags)


No shirts, slippers, or sando-bags allowed? No problem! The Sperma bag is all you need to hobnob with the hot set. Get your sizzle on the red carpet in festive fuchsia stripes, RSVP guaranteed. One seat(s) is reserved for you!

Somewhere, a plastic bag manufacturer decided to name all of his products after cetaceans. He thus named his jumbo-sized, pink-striped bags after the huge and mighty sperm whale:


It’s the thought that counts.

It didn’t cross the manufacturer’s mind that his brand had a different – shall we say, commonly accepted – meaning. No wonder plastic bags have become illegal in Muntinlupa and QC! Hello, world… meet ‘Sperma’.

Sperma’ is 100% virgin material. It is 100% food grade. It is also 100% odorless. Holy crap, isn’t that just about the perfect ‘Sperma’!?

 

Merry Christmas, you degenerates!

I hope it was good for you, too.

 

Thanks for visiting. You might enjoy these similar ‘how not to blog’ posts: A Philadelphia Sorry, and Yu-Ga-Oh!.


Thanks to Roget for the photo assist.

Categories: [dickery], [fashion], [toys]

[5] Comments

5 Comments »

  • Eize says:
    December 26, 2012 A.D. at 12:13 AM

    Merry Christmas, fellow degenerate!

    [Reply]
  • JoQ says:
    December 27, 2012 A.D. at 2:35 PM

    So fierce! You really know how to smize. You work it, boy!

    [Reply]
  • mik says:
    December 27, 2012 A.D. at 4:36 PM

    hahahahahahahaha, natae ako sa kakatawa.

    [Reply]
  • ClarisseG says:
    December 28, 2012 A.D. at 11:24 AM

    Loved every moment reading this!!!! It just made my day!!!! :) :) :) super hilarious and witty! Good job! Hahaha!!!

    [Reply]
  • Ronan says:
    December 28, 2012 A.D. at 5:51 PM

    Thanks for reading, kind folks!

    [Reply]

 

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