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Hello, world, and happy new year.

Five years ago, the new year’s revelries were pretty much the same as they are now – that familiar bag of gluttony and gunpowder. Although gluttony has remained rather consistent (i.e. stuff your face ad libitum), gunpowder usage has only evolved to bring out the suicide bombers in all of us. As most of the more interesting firecrackers have effectively become street-level contraband, manufacturers have decided to adopt the business model of drug dealers – upping blast radii to ridiculous levels and coming up with appropriately crazy names for their new creations. Super Lolo? Damn, dawg! You don’t want none of that shit. That shit be weak! You be wanting some of this. You be wanting some of this Goodbye Bading! This shit is the… well, you know… bomb! This shit is A bomb! (Would that they were more honest and sold a firecracker called ‘Goodbye, Good Limb’.)

Amidst all the explosions, one inadvertently comes across vegetarian noisemaking in the form of torotots. These damnable things have also evolved in the past five years, being noticeably louder and thus bringing humanity to a new technological high: a torotot can now get its blower punched in the face in less than 4.2 seconds. I shall write my congressman to have those things outlawed in the hopes that firecracker manufacturers start tapping into the torotot market next year. Whistle bomb? Damn, dawg! You don’t want that shit. You be wanting ‘Goodbye, Oral Sphincter’!

In the past five years, I realize that I have also evolved to become an organism prone to punching people in the face when they blow torotots. I apologize for that. (Note: I love kids and won’t ever physically harm them… I shall write my congressman and have torotots considered child abuse in formal legislation).

I last made a public transmission via blog nearly five years ago. While that document still exists somewhere on the web, I figured it best to just leave that thing in its fossilized state for cyber-archeologists to uncover and start over with this new one.

And here we are. Thanks for getting lost online and finding me again, reader. You clearly have nothing better to do.

It’s getting difficult to hear myself thinking with all these explosions. There… I think I just heard someone lose a good limb. Happy 2012, everyone! I wish you all happiness, good fortune, and an end-of-the-world to tell our grandchildren about.

Hello, world, and welcome to my blog.

Categories: [livestock], [verb.anything]

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