Born to Be Wiped (part 1 of 2)
Musings on Motorcycle Mortality

I see that EDSA now has designated motorcycle lanes. I guess this is good news for most, especially for those who’ve always thought that those broken white lines qualify as motorcycle lanes.

This must suck for most motorcyclists, I expect. It can’t be said, however, that the government does not have their best interests in mind. Surely, this will give motorcyclists higher life expectancies. After all, it requires a special audacity to wrap one’s legs around a fuel tank on two wheels and weave through a free-for-all of arbitrarily moving metal. It’s a case of probability. It’s like joining a lottery where one of the prizes is bone-crushing death pancake.

Grand Prize!

We can’t help the fact that jerks and idiots will always be out there on our roads. People despise jerks and idiots whatever the reason, whether it’s as valid as having kidney stones in the brain, or as tragic as having a mom who lost her maternal instincts after her eighth womb-vomit. We have to be clear, though – the government may not actually be isolating jerks and idiots of the motorcycle-riding variety. Based on experience and personal bias, I think bus drivers are hall-of-famers in the jerk and idiot categories. No excuses, though: jerks and idiots exist in all varieties, whether on two wheels or four, on three wheels or eighteen, on two legs or none.

Four legged jerks are the worst.

What makes motorcyclists extra special in this light is the amount of risk that they put themselves in. Even with their fancy helmets, fancy jackets, and fancy man-courage, they are still really just flesh puppets on straddle-missiles. Should our manly motorcyclists figure in an accident, they would inevitably be testing their manly bags of meat against metal projectiles and immovable pavement. What’s that, again? It’s not your fault? Well it still sucks for you then, because motorcyclists are almost certain to receive the bulk of physical injury in such incidents regardless of whose fault it is. When you flew off that ride of yours, did you get to ponder what kind of lumpia wrapper you were going to look like? You cannot even use the bus driver rationalization of “I’m only working, life is hard, nobody wanted this” because you’re already a double-dead Pollock #5 on the road, extra chunky.

Translation: I’m only working, life is hard, nobody wanted this.

I hope you understand now why the government considers motorcyclists a special case. This is no trivial matter. Despite motorcyclists’ intensive efforts at seemingly pushing the case for eugenics, or proving Darwinism through practical illustration, they have the same rights to use the road as everyone else (has the rights to order fastfood delivery). No, nobody don’t want no motorcyclists dying from death-related injuries. Yes, I hear your concern, but no – we cannot graft frog nervous systems onto them to help with their pain. It doesn’t work that way.

Arithmetic for awesome.

Frogs, having uncomplicated nervous systems, are slow to grasp pain ONLY when they are subjected to gradual change. We are talking about sudden impacts involving metal, concrete, and puny humans. There is nothing gradual about an occurrence that can turn innards into the grammatical difference between ‘secrete’ and ‘excrete’. It’s practically the same process as extracting mechanically separated meat.

High-protein animal carcass smoothie, venti, extra whip. [thanks, Snopes]

It’s downright frustrating sometimes when a four-wheeled motorist has to be the one taking extra care because some motorcyclist cannot be bothered to practice self-preservation. The idiot motorcyclist’s (note the qualifier) gambit is a basic appeal to human decency: “Please stop your metal-encased vehicle or else I die – do you really want me to die? Do you really want me, a stranger, to die?” Drivers do not need lessons on fundamental human morals on the road. For example, if someone was driving and running late to a Charice Pempengco concert, is it even realistic to expect him/her to care whether an idiot motorcycle rider lives or dies? The burden of taking extra caution rests on the rider, not the Charice Pempengco fan – everybody should know this, because the Charice-certified chaster won’t be the one potentially perishing as longganisa stuffing in this scenario.

I’m just gonna run right through the rain… and over those lane-splitters. [thanks, Wikimedia]

Motorcycle lanes, welcome to EDSA. It is hoped that you will prove to be effective. We certainly do not want any more untoward accidents to inconvenience, cause damage, or bring harm to anyone. However difficult, we all have our parts to fulfill in making our roads safer. More than anything, we have to remember that someone has the job of cleaning up after those accidents because those juicy meat puddles sure won’t clean themselves up.

[Read the continuation…]

Categories: [metro], [traffic], [violence]

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