Food Porn: Chewing Cheese with a Charlatan

My research on these blog-things is quite conclusive – food blogs and porn blogs get the most hits. It’s only genius on my part to want to appeal to loyal visitors of both. We’re looking at an irredeemable throng of jillions. This is why I invented the Internet! Does your boss even know what you’re doing here?

New food porn, fresh from my aunt’s secret stash (VSFW):


Front Cover


Back Cover

Excerpt:

“Don’t use your teeth,” he suggested.

“I’m not,” she shot back, “I’m only nibbling.”

“You need to use your tongue more,” he patiently urged. He enjoyed introducing this particular one to novices, “What do you think?”

“Good. Not too salty. Is it supposed to be so gooey, though?”

“That’s because it’s semi-soft.”

“Eh. I prefer it hard,” she lied. Hammond always served it hard, and she never enjoyed those occasions at all. She preferred…

“Please don’t tell me that you didn’t like the crusty rind?” he interrupted. “I sometimes think it’s the best part.”

She paused a second, “Well… it is certainly better than the creamy center. I don’t like eating something that feels freshly curdled.”

She’s a tough one, he thought. “Have some more wine, then…”

“Do you think I’ll enjoy it more when I’m drunk?” She smiled, taking a sip.

“Maybe it’ll go down better. How do you find it?”

“It’s kind of sour now,” she said.

“That means it’s unpasteurized. You have to smell it to really know.” He was at the end of his wits.

She sniffed. “It’s too much.” Her face scrunched up, “ Overwhelming… ”

“That’s because it’s good cheese,” he volunteered. “If you put this under a microscope, you’ll see that it’s alive. It’s crawling with micro-organisms.”

“That’s not exactly helping.” She seemed bothered.

“It’s properly aged, what can I say? It smells as it should… that’s for sure.”

She straightened herself out, worried that she just offended him. “I’m sorry. Is this goat? It smells… moldy.”

“Of course it does! Look closer… do you see all those rich green veins?”

She bent in and put on a puzzled look. “Not really.”

“You’re not close enough.”

She drew a gasp when she finally saw them.

“What’s happening?” he asked uneasily.

“I’m not sure what those are.” Her face filled with dread. “They look like… ARE THOSE HOLES?”

 

Check out past food porn HEREHEREHERE, and HERE.

Categories: [food], [pornography]

[2] Comments

2 Comments »

  • JoQ says:
    March 20, 2012 A.D. at 9:31 PM

    The lady doesn’t love cheese?

    [Reply]
    • Ronan says:
      March 21, 2012 A.D. at 11:00 PM

      She doesn’t. She’s no lady in my book, therefore.

      [Reply]

 

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