Dumping the Dumpling

Dear Shark’s Fin Siomai,

I am writing this with sad face. I’ve thought this over a lot but only got more confused. You feel so right… yet so wrong. You feel so right-wrong that you make me feel wrong-right in my heart. You know that I love-hate you, but it’s been a long time coming. I only want to say what needs to be said, so please don’t take it against me. I hope you understand…

First of all, my friends seem to think that you are trying too hard to appear manly. Shark Fin sounds like a Cobra man-vehicle that an eight-year-old would want to own. It sounds like beastly giant demon muscles – masculine to the point of overcompensation. Not everyone is a primal omnivore for shark parts, you see. You are a dumpling, not a tattoo. Prefixing your name with Shark’s Fin, unfortunately does not make you as awesome as Dragon Womb Rolls and Fertilized Duck Embryos.

Secondly, my BFF1 and BFF3 think that you’re fronting. You try to give people the impression that you’re a classy dumpling but it’s all a sham. You’re not classier for having shark fin under your impossibly yellow wrappings because shark fin is a throwback to the time when the going rate for sharks was one human arm each. It’s only exotic because emperors, aristocrats, and bloggers of old discovered snobbery boners when they found out that their soup was purchased through the limbs of the lower class. Harvesting shark fins is now as easy as buying new boobs. What’s so classy about that? Does it impress your frenemies?

Collecting shark fin is cruel, and cruelty is never manly nor classy. Removing our sharky friends’ appendages makes them cry – everyone knows this. You do not become better with the added condiment of shark tears. You just become… saltier, because tears and cruelty are salty like evil chili-garlic toyomansi. This is why seas are salty – because crying finless sharks cannot wipe their own tears away.

Thirdly, I sometimes feel that you think too highly of me. I know I should be flattered but it’s annoying when you make me feel so high maintenance. I realize that you turn up in five-star restos from time to time, but we both know that you feel more at home in malls and cafeterias. Please be aware that there is nothing wrong with that. I’m not a snooty eater. You should understand that my friends and I do not care for the ‘value’ of shark fin. Some of us probably do not even know what it is to even bother.

Finally – and let’s not pretend anymore – you and I both know that you contain neither shark nor fin. This means that you do not have any cruelty salt in you. You’re not evil, which is a good thing, but why are you pretending to be? You are only making things difficult for yourself. How can you live up to the expectation when someone in the know asks for Shark’s Fin Siomai and demands a token sprinkling of cruel shark flipper? That’s false advertising, and it makes you a liar. At least hamburgers contain real hams, and hotdogs, real dogs.

What I’m saying is: be your own dumpling. I know that you are awesome in your way and that someone will appreciate you for what you really are. You do not have to change your name for some sharky flapper that you do not have in the first place. Besides, you do not want us to think that your inner awesome, if any, is because of your fictitious shark fin.

I hope I’m not ruining our friendship. That’s the last thing I want to do. I know that we will laugh about this ridiculously gut-wrenching thing when this is all over. You will find it funny in the future how you are now thinking of burning our digital photos and contemplating fake suicide, even at the part where you announce these on Facebook after setting your relationship status to ‘It’s Convogoogooluted’. It’ll be especially hilarious when you start considering a vow of celibacy after you keep imagining me making out with your friends. You’ll learn to blame yourself in time, because you see… it’s not me… it’s you. I wish there was another way about this. I hope you know that I only want what’s good for you. For us. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world… because… you… deserve… it…

So please drop the shark fin act. I promise… there are other fish in the sea.

 

XOXO

See you this weekend!

Categories: [chinese], [culture], [food]

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