It’s More F In the Philippines (Part 1: Nooks and Crannies)
A Vulgar Voyage About the Archipelago

Coming from the post office a couple of weeks ago, I noticed that the seller shipped my magazine from a place in England called Fingringhoe. Weirdly enough, I apparently referenced this place before on my old blog (here it is, ravaged by spambots).

This got me thinking… surely, the Philippines would have its fair share of dirty-sounding places, wouldn’t it? I mean, we do have that undisputed hall-of-famer that is Sexmoan, Pampanga, don’t we? Everybody knows how the town changed its name to Sasmuan several years back. Because this name change took place before the explosion of social media sites, however, Sexmoan missed out on its chance to get immortalized as a meme. Thus, the world henceforth would never know the awesomeness of buying polvoron from a store called Sexmoan Delicacies.

There is no disputing that Tagalog is a very colorful language. There is an unassuming simplicity about it that belies its richness, how it retains an earthy identity despite centuries of foreign influence. It comes together in monosyllables in a way that is both musical and primal. Truly, there is an earnestness to Tagalog, such that intended meanings are somehow intensified – beautiful words come across more beautiful, and crude words, well putang ina, seem much cruder.

Being a hopelessly juvenile individual, I can only concern myself with the latter. I compiled a list of all the words that I can think of that one cannot mention in polite company. Proud that I came up with a respectably long list, I proceeded to use Google to prove my conjecture that the Philippines has no shortage of dirty geography. As a form of citation, most of the Google results happily pointed to getamap.net, maplandia.com, and mapcarta.com.

If it offends anyone, I apologize in advance for this list. I understand that these are real places in which people get born, grow up, fall in love, and read useless Internet articles. There are people who call most of these places home, I know, and it is not my intention to be cruel. Admittedly, my list derives from contemporary Tagalog – a major limitation. I realize that these place names do not necessarily mean anything crass in their local dialects. I do not mean to reduce these places to their crude Tagalog namesakes, or to strip them of historical and sociological value  – my research falls short in finding out etymologies, I’m afraid. The truth is that I am an irredeemable Manila-based wretch. My findings inevitably reflect: 1.) my dirty mind, 2.) my academically curious disposition, and most importantly, 3.) my provincial ignorance.

On that last note, Filipinos are rarely cosmopolitan types. We all know how easy it is to laugh at other cultures. As a people, we are arguably – and very literally – insular. All the same, we are also unique in that we always enjoy poking fun at ourselves more. With this in mind, the list…

 

NOOKS and CRANNIES

In the news not too long ago was a place in Lanao del Sur called Kilikili. As befits the name, it is divided into Brgy. Kilikili East and Brgy. Kilikili West – no doubt hotspots of activity. There is also Kilikili in Samar, and Kilikilihan in Cantanduanes, making one wonder if these places are in fact warm and humid to merit their names.

On the other hand, one can find the rather oxymoronic Mt. Singit in Iloilo, which contrasts with the highly appropriate Mt. Bilbil in Benguet. That these two mountains haven’t yet received their own Belo Clinic branches is a travesty.

Continuing on, we find Tamboc River in Eastern Samar, leading a list of similarly swell places: Tamboc in Pangasinan, Tambuc Point in Davao Oriental, and Tumbucan Island in Tawi Tawi. Are these land masses – I don’t know – engorged? Related to these lovely lumps, we find two towns, each called Bukol, in both Bulacan and Laguna – provinces that are, curiously enough, to the immediate north and south of NCR, respectively. Further south, we locate a town called Bakat in North Cotabato, and another called Bacat in Maguindanao, both of which are most likely championing the glories of spandex.

Up north in Cagayan, there is the wondrously named Panti Point, possibly the country’s topographical third base. In Cavite, however, one can rack up the notches simply by visiting Pantihan No. 1 and Pantihan No. 2. Moreover, there is also Pantian in Bukidnon, in which one can get wet through the Pantian River.

Not crass enough, is it? Don’t worry because it gets worse.

 

NEXT: Places in the form of more body partsPanti Point was only a teaser for third base, you know.

Categories: [culture], [language], [pornography], [travel]

[No Comments]

No Comments »

Leave a Reply