It’s More F In the Philippines (Part 2: Gross Anatomy)
A Vulgar Voyage About the Archipelago

Fresh from our previous entry, we delve into the naughtier bits of Philippine geography. Our team of scholars put in extra hours for this list by consulting with esteemed academia via a playground full of grade-schoolers.

You wanted dirt? You got dirt! Also: water, rocks, gravel, sand, various minerals, aggregates, wood, man-made structures, plants, and other similarly suspicious growths, like humans.

Before reading on, be sure to have first checked our previous installment. Continue on for the nasty bits. You know you want to…

GROSS ANATOMY

We start with a place called Suso in Ilocos Sur. A Playboy rest house would be quite fitting here, right in the proximity of Suso BeachSuso RiverSuso Point, and Suso Shoal. We also have another Suso in Cebu, the blissful location of a different Suso River.

Making apparent the early Filipinos’ fixations, we find that there are places all around the Tagalog speaking regions that have been traditionally called Susong Dalaga (or Susung Dalaga), most of them mountains (of course). It seems that BulacanLagunaOlongapoNueva VizcayaRizal, and Aurora all have their own variations to this theme. Understandably, the Internet hasn’t been invented at the time. Village elders who looked at the horizon in those olden days apparently kept seeing maiden boobs. One wonders, did these mountains all come in pairs? Surely, it would be awesome to live in a place named Cleavage Valley (Lambak ng Pinagtagaan?). We should be thankful, at least, that there aren’t any places called Susong Matanda. Then again, if there were any, they probably would have fully eroded a long time ago.

Wait, though… we’re not yet finished with boobs. Lanao del Norte has a place called Susu – nothing new, just your run-of-the-mill mammary locality. The same thing goes for Dodo (aptly in Mountain Province) and Brgy. Masuso in Bulacan. That’s cool and dandy, but at this point, aren’t we just sick of boobs? Boobs, boobs, boobie, boobie, boobs, boobs. What next, nipples? Why, yes! We go to Zamboanga del Sur, where we can take in the splendor of joyfully perky Utong Hill. The whole place is nippy, we hear.

We then travel northward to Mindoro Oriental to get to the bottom of certain things, particularly a barangay in Naujan called Brgy. Puwitan, and a town called Butas, near the – wait for it – Butas River. That’s kind of forcing it, though, right? Butas River? It’s not too far fetched a name for a body of water, is it? It’s just a hole, after all. What’s one hole, in the greater scheme of things? It’s two holes too few, according to Bataan, as attested to by its proudly gushing Tatlong Butas River (plug one and two remain… to be plugged!).

A little higher up the map, we go lower by scaling Mount Bulbul in Ifugao for exotic greenery (one is advised to avoid the dense undergrowth, however). In nearby Kalinga Apayao, on the other hand, one can just let it hang loose in Bayag proper, an address rivaled only by another town in Albay that’s also called Bayag (simply because it doesn’t get more impressive than that). On the map, it is apparently acceptable to have one lower than the other. This is even more pronounced in Iloilo, home to Bayag Norte and Bayag Sur. In Samar, we find Burat, which doesn’t seem to have a partner. The nearest would be Urat, down in Sulu. All of these, however, pale in the context of Itlogan in Batangas, with its Itlogan River.

Spelt like a beautiful abbreviation, the province of Masbate, has a town wonderfully called Titi. Motto: have Titi will Masbate… why not? Titi, Masbate may be the single best thing to put on a letterhead ever. It may even read like a to-do list for many teenaged boys on their lonely afternoons. Of course, they’ll also want to check out Brgy. Tinitian in Palawan (or they can just look at their morning sheets). In the same vein, they can also visit Titi-On in Zambales – hands down, the best directive one could hear. I know guys whose habit is to say this first thing in the morning in the hopes of activating at will (flame on!). Finally, we have Titi Point in Tawi-Tawi. Haven’t we had enough dick jokes here? Dick, dick, dickie, dickie, dick, dick? After all the magnificence of these last entries, Titi Point seems to be a let-down. Well, true – unless you consider this other place in Cagayan (not Panti Point) that seems to be its direct counterpart. Most guys wouldn’t know it if it’s staring them in the face: stop obsessing about Titi Point and get started on Kiking Point. They say getting there is half the fun. Be warned, though, that it may get slippery at the best of times.

 

NEXT: Places in the form of dirty action words. As they say in Titi Point, verb anything!

Categories: [culture], [language], [pornography], [travel]

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