It’s More F In the Philippines (Part 3: Bump and Grind)
A Vulgar Voyage About the Archipelago

We’re not yet finished, unfortunately for you. In our previous installments, we fleshed out PG-13 entries and R-18 ones. I guess this one is going to have to be NC-17. The ratings system for this series, for those who do not know, has been enforced by snotty grade school students, who have been our very resource persons.

They say love is a verb, but so are bludgeon, secrete, excrete, evacuate, molest, caterwaul, and blog. Without further ado, we proceed with the – err – dissemination of this, our latest discharge…


Our action takes us firstly to Dila, Laguna in the simple present tense. It takes on imperative form in Dila-an, Iloilo, and repetitive form (or just with added emphasis) in Dila-Dila, Pampanga. That’s just the start, of course. Wait until we get to Laplap, Pangasinan, where it gets heavier. Too uncomfortable? Perhaps we should get a room. Or an island. Just head on over to Lap Lap Island, Albay.

I think we are following a certain progression here. We go to Hubo in Sorsogon, also the name of a place in Camarines Sur, as well as in Surigao del Sur. The latter even boasts of its own Hubo River and Hubo Point – when one reaches this point, there’s no more doubt that one is getting lucky. So where to next?

Ahh, yes… Buka, Davao del Sur. This is a good leg. Everybody loves wide open spaces, and it seems that there’s never too much of a good thing, as evidenced by Buka Buka in Sulu (a favorite among sleazy aerobics instructors, for sure).

We go northward… slowly… to find Gapang. Is it killing you yet? Gapang is located in not one but two provinces: Abra and Kalinga Apayao, so take your time (we don’t mind). It will be so worth it by the time you head for Linamon, Lanao del Norte.

I think we’re ready to take it to the next level. We skip southward to Talik in Sultan Kudarat. That little trek takes us through Maguindanao, where we first go through Talik Creek and Talik River, obviously varying in degrees of wetness. For a less formal approach, there’s Banat in Kalinga Apayao, which doesn’t even come close to the amazingly named Jabonga in Agusan del Norte, no doubt the place of retirement of a certain ‘90s hiphop act.

For the lonely ones, hop on over to Lanao del Sur and enjoy the cool waters of Salsalan Creek. You will want to get your hands dirty here – just be wary of any activities upstream. If you’re still bored afterward, why not proceed immediately to Ticol Creek in Zamboanga del Sur? These wet spots are sure to be popular during the summer break. Hold on, though, because we’re not finished with all this gratification. We go to Ticol, Sorsogon and Tikul Island in Sulu, the same province where you can entertain polite requests in Patikul. At this point, female readers are sure to be indignant: “How bastos! Now what about us?”. We let our fingers do the walking in Iloilo, Aklan, and AbraDingle is in these three provinces, ladies.

When all else fails, just go to Masbate province – it’s just to the east of Panay island. That can work for everyone.

Don’t get too excited, though, young man. Before anything else this summer you’ll first need to go to Davao del Sur for Tuli.


NEXT: We wrap up with a bang then a whimper as we deal with dirty miscellany.

Categories: [culture], [language], [pornography], [travel]

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