Mart Time Lover

I realize that my token Chinese New Year post isn’t as exuberant as it should have been. I apologize for that. Please don’t read it here. It’s not fun to read if you like tikoy. I was grouchy and overworked and I wanted to be grouchy and drunk.

Today, I shall post about something closer to the spirit of Chinese New Year, and there is nothing more appropriate than the neighborhood Chinese grocery.

I found out about this most amazing neighborhood Chinese grocery (which isn’t in my neighborhood) through my aunt. A couple of months ago, she sent over a tin of candy that she got from the store.

The tin itself looks impressive, particularly with the gold lettering and the sexy, shiny gold clasp. That’s not what makes it priceless, though. The gorgeous packaging has Engrish text generously sprinkled throughout, as if the designer was watching a Japanese ‘heavy splash’ scene and simply typed subtitles as they rapidly came.

Mansike is ‘France Man’s May Candy’ and is sold under the slogan of ‘Australia Swept the Global Flavor’. I think I shouldn’t even attempt to come up with descriptions anymore. Here are the words verbatim:

(ORIGINATED FROM AUSTRALIA)
MANSIKE
AUSTRALIA SWEPT THE GLOBAL FLAVOR

CANDY Category: Candy can be divided into hard candy, hard CANDY sandwich, cream candy, gel candy, polish, candy, gum, candy,xnflatable candy, and other sweets, and compressing. One is hard candy sugar, starchsyrup-based materials for a class of taste hard, brittle candies; hard CANDY is candy sandwich sandwiches containing the hard candy; cream candies are sugar, starch syrup (or other sugar), fats and dairy-based materialmade of not less than 1.5% of protein. xfat not less than 3.0% with a special creamy flavor and aroma of CANDY coke; gel candy is edible gum (or starch), sugar and starch syrup (or other sugar) based material made of soft CANDY; polishing thexsurface of bright solid candy is CANDY; xgum candy is sugar (or sweetener) and plastic-based material basedmaterial can be made of chewing or blowing CANDY; inflatable body of an internal sugar candy is fine, uniform bubbles candy; pressed candy is after granulation, bonding, pressing candy

Katherine canBe

I was halfway through typing that entry out when I realized it was a list of ingredients – and I was hoping it was a Wikipedia entry about candy. Nothing to see here…

FRANCE MANS MAY CANDY
Sweet & Romance
FULL-BODIED

AUSTRALIA SWEPT THE GLOBAL FLAVOR

Sweet and shy around me bow my sleepwalking our happy maltose on the grass Drinking the wine fresh for a child, I really Want a bite <Thai> me love you ~ My mouth is filled with Candy, I really want a bite

From Australia’s Katherine High sandwich can taste Sweets

I’m not really a big fan of freeform poetry, but I think this is awesome.

When I finally visited the store, however, I didn’t see any more Mansike. To alleviate my disappointment, I contented myself with Ego Intellect Biscuits:

It’s good that I just gained biscuit-powered intellect, because near that display was a hazardous kitchen appliance – the Give or Get an Electric Shock cooker:

Of course, the store also has the reliable Pocky for all of us dirty-minded juvenile simpletons:

Do you get it? Pocky? Dude, that sounds like vagina in Tagalog! We can swap ‘private jokes’ because nobody will ever get that Pocky is vagina in Tagalog!

Q: Do you like to eat Pocky?
A: You know I do!
Q: What about GIANT Pocky?
A: Of course!
Q: ‘Mature’ Pocky?
A: I like all kinds of Pocky!
Q: Men’s Pocky?
A: Err. That’s what she said!
Q: Giggle, giggle, giggle?
A: Snicker, snicker, snicker!

Please ignore those two losers. Pocky is a well-loved snack stick in Japan and through most of Asia. It was first manufactured by Glico in 1966. Obviously, Glico came up with the brand not bothering to ask the crucial marketing question: ‘Is Pocky a homonym of a term for female genitalia in a Southeast Asian archipelago that isn’t Indonesia?’ But really, who cares? There are simply too many nuances in semantics and syntax when one looks at different languages. Languages are alive. Languages are rich. Languages are beautiful. This whole article is pointless! Engrish isn’t funny! Making fun of Engrish is rude!

Q: Do you like to eat Collon?
A: I like Collon egg roll! I like cream Collon, and especially chocolate Collon!
Q: Giggle, giggle, giggle?
A: Snicker, snicker, snicker!

Categories: [chinese], [culture], [metro]

[2] Comments

2 Comments »

  • JoQ says:
    January 26, 2012 A.D. at 12:21 AM

    Inflatable body of an internal sugar candy is fine
    Sleepwalking our happy maltose on the grass
    … sounds like Dewey Cox lyrics during his Dylan phase :p

    [Reply]
    • JoQ says:
      January 26, 2012 A.D. at 12:23 AM

      Rather, it sounds like Dylan during his Dylan phase

      [Reply]

 

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