Net Ninny
An Uncle Addresses Online Profanity

Dear Kids,

As your uncle, I feel lucky enough to have watched you guys grow up. I know that, because of my demeanor and possible mental retardation, I could be one of the most approachable grownups to you. I am THAT uncle, so thank you for that. I also realize that I am on my way to becoming the uncle that everyone among you will be embarrassed about in a couple more years. You guys just grow up too fast. That’s perfectly OK, though. I can totally ride this role until I become obsolete. It’s something I’m proud of, mind you.

Being that unhinged uncle affords me to share experiences with you that even your parents may not be wise to. That’s the best feeling in the world. For one thing, you guys show me stuff on Facebook that you would be crazy to show your parents. I know you trust me, but you should also know that your parents only want what’s best for you. They do have reasons to get worried when you encounter bad words… you know, like ‘shit’ and ‘fuck’? Wait – how are we even Facebook friends when none of you are eighteen yet?

When you visit a site like 9gag, where the world comes together for a collective mind fart, I know you find it fun, or even funny. There’s nothing wrong with that. It can be quite awesome, I think. I am living proof that stupid fun is still fun. I don’t mind you seeing those ‘inappropriate’ 9gag graphics because I know they won’t make you dumber. You kids are all smarter than how most grownups would like to believe, anyway. You’ve heard us grownups saying ‘shit’ and ‘fuck’, I suppose, but that doesn’t mean you would or should do the same thing. I tell you now that grownups are the stupidest, laziest, and vilest creatures on the planet. In fact, the word ‘asshole’, which you have no doubt heard, has been invented only to be used on grownups. You should know that when grownups like me say ‘fuck’, it’s not because we can say that as grownups – it’s because we’re stupid, lazy, and vile.

When you say ‘fuck’, I’ll assume that you have an idea of what it means. I won’t give you a dictionary definition because you can just Google anything I tell you. More than what it means, you probably know that saying ‘fuck’ is supposed to bring about certain effects. You may want to be rude, angry, or funny – whatever. If you do not want those effects, then do not say ‘fuck’. It’s quite simple. If you want those effects, however, then go ahead and say ‘fuck’. There’s a time for everything, after all, and it’s just a word. Just know that whatever it is that you’re going for becomes less impressive or less effective when everyone else is using the same word for the same purpose. For example, there was a kind of music from around the time you were born called nü-metal that was mostly about saying ‘fuck’ as many times as possible. You don’t hear much of it anymore because people decided that ‘fuck’ can only be so much fun in songs. I’m not saying that it wasn’t enjoyable, just that it’s not around anymore.

What I’m saying is that there are other ways to be rude, angry, or funny. Instead of being stupid, lazy, or vile, like us grownups, you can be smart, creative, and nice. Becoming a grownup does not give you the right to say ‘shit’ or ‘fuck’. You will learn, as you grow older, when to use those words, and even HOW to say them, in the best way. As you grow wiser, you will know WHEN TO NOT USE them, and better yet, WHEN NOT TO USE them. You will also know the difference.

I am not your parent, luckily for you. You don’t have to listen to me… I’m just a stupid grownup. Inevitably, you will all become stupid grownups as well, but fuck that – I know that you will all be less stupid than most. Maybe you won’t even become embarrassed by me – who knows?

I hope you didn’t read this far. This language is just inappropriate.



Uncle R

Categories: [language], [self-help]

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