Old Schooled (Part 1)
The Def Guide to Being Cool in School, '90s Style

Glad to see you, kiddo. You’ve got a new school year ahead of you, we hear. You want to be cool, hip, and hep to the jive, no doubt. Well, you’ve come to the best place on the web-a-go-go. Be sure to follow our tips, and you can be the bee’s knees and the cat’s pajamas faster than you can say Jack Robinson. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, you dig? You’re going to be the coolest cat in the coolest skool, the toast of the town, the big man on campus. So listen well, kiddo, and listen closely. It’s gonna be a gas. Welcome to 1992, daddy-o.

 


Fashion and Style

Chin up, kiddo. Fashion is your friend in these trying times. Unluckily for you, you’ll be wearing a school uniform. This will totally crimp your style. Because you nonetheless would want to play up the razzle-dazzle, you have to play it subtle. Number one would be to wear a snazzy undershirt. Make sure, however, that it has bold print – bold enough to show through your transparent white polo shirt.


You want to let the world know about your Cross Colours whities, after all.

Should you be in the habit of playing ball in your undershirt, however, you may want to reconsider.


Did you forget your Maui & Sons? [thanks, jackthreads]

That’s not all, of course. You’ll also want to jazz up the footwear. Unfortunately for you and everyone else (and this is foresight, boy), Doc Martens 1460 boots won’t be all the rage until next year.


They’ve only been around for thirty-one years, after all. [thanks, Wikimedia]

Any generic black bulldog shoe will have to do. What about socks? Everybody knows the feeling… you want to cry at how it is that only the foxy chicks in school can wear those nifty white pelerine cotton socks. It’s not fair!


St. Michael’s is like wearing your heart on your ankles. [thanks, St. Michael’s]

Michael, you say? Have you asked your mom to buy you a pair of Nike Air Jordans? Please ditch those… they won’t be hip and happening anymore in a few years. Better yet, get a pair of Reebok Pumps. That look is timeless.


They look gnarly while you play with your Sega Game Gear. [thanks, Wikimedia]

Timekeeping and Millinery

Hold up, you say? We haven’t been too colorful yet, you say? Well, that’s not a problem. Do you know what time it is?


It’s time to funkify, dudes and dudettes! [thanks, Kokorokoko]

What’s wrong with you? Head on over now to Gift Gate to get your Swatch on. Or if you’re feeling peppy, Pop Swatch. You may throw away your calculator watches, junior. All the phat kids know to stick with Swatch.


And nobody wears just one. [thanks, swatch.vcnora]

You may also wear those nifty swatches as hairbands, you know? But because you’re tragically unhip, you probably think that your timepiece shouldn’t double as head gear. If so, you’ll want some steel-plated Boy London, boy:


Except at the airport. [thanks, Metro Vintage]

You may also ask your relatives stateside to send you a Starter snapback baseball cap of an NBA team for proper headwear. Make sure you count EIGHT stitches – less won’t cut it, you poseur. That’s counterfeit. Too lazy to count? Well, this hard cap won’t have stitches…


In case you spontaneously need to go at bat. [thanks, Baseball Gifts]

Aromatherapy

We get that you get all sweaty inside that white undershirt of yours, but have no fear. The smell of pubescent perspiration can always be masked by stronger substances.


Blue or green only… other colors are for sissies.

Not those, you idiot. Johnson’s Baby Cologne is for babies. It’s called BABY cologne. You’re a big boy now, aren’t you? Try again, please.


Proud of you, son. [thanks, Bonanza]

It smells like prepubescent spirit. No, it’s not only for chicks, but when you finally grow that peach fuzz on your lip, you may upgrade to Eternity for Men or Drakkar Noir. But that’s for another time… for now, you only need to realize that Angel’s Breath is for boys and girls. Angels are sexless creatures, didn’t you know? Angel exhalations are therefore sexless as well. Put on some of this classic cologne, young man. You might as well also stay sexless, right?

 

That’s it for now, kiddo. I gotta make like a tree and split. See you later, crocodile.


Categories: [culture], [fashion], [nostalgia]

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