On the Lamb: Amsterdam 2012 (Part Twee)
The Bloggist Is Away

We’ve barely been six hours in Amsterdam, having flown in just this morning. We weren’t wasting time, though, especially because we haven’t realized how jet-lagged we were yet.

It’s just a bit past noon. Joanne and I just came from the city’s best-known street market for our fill of the lasciviously good stroopwafels.

A short walk later, we found ourselves at the Heineken Experience, an entire complex housed in the old Heineken brewery that was dedicated to the popular Dutch beer.

We left off hereabouts…

For the next hour or so, Joanne and I would be educated on everything Heineken, like how beer is derived from three basic ingredients – water, (malted) barley, and hops (four, if you count yeast, the catalyst). The quality of Heineken beer, in fact, is attributable to the brand’s proprietary ‘A-Yeast’. A friendly dude explained the ingredients to us, doing the same spiel on an endless loop (kudos to him). He also presented them for sampling.

Because tourists will sniff anything.

Vintage equipment were on display, including the brewery’s original tanks.

Which have since been repurposed as bongs, presumably.

One vat even contained wort, the stuff that becomes beer when fermented. It’s basically am made from malted barley. It was, of course, available for tasting.

Putting the am in Amsterdam.

After looking at horses and going on a beer-themed simulation ride (yes, so), we were instructed by a Scotsman on how to properly appreciate beer. The big takeaway here was that women do not like beer as much as guys do for a simple reason: beer should be gulped, not sipped. The foam head should be drunk along with the beer to achieve the optimal beer experience. Just to drive the point, we were all given a glass of Heineken to test this principle.

“I am going to GULP the hell out of this sucker.”

I normally would not recommend beer before lunch, but the glass of Heineken was rather welcome. Straight from the tap, the beer felt quite crisp and refreshing. As instructed, I took big manly gulps (as if I was capable of anything otherwise – pfsh!). A short while later, the tour would culminate in a difficult decision. On entry, each visitor was given two tokens. One token would get you one glass of free beer. Two tokens would get you a slightly larger glass of beer, although one that you would pour yourself from the tap. I opted for the second option, while Joanne took her first of two small beers.

“I, too, shall GULP the hell out of this sucker.”

I couldn’t pour beer very well, unfortunately… even worse, my instructor disposed of my first two attempts. Cold foamy beer… Down the drain. This was the worst kind of sacrilege against alcoholic beverages next to that travesty called ‘light brandy’. He didn’t have to dump my beer twice, did he? I would’ve drunk them despite the imperfect heads. Was he trying to make me cry? He gave me a few pointers, asked me to wipe my tears, and told me to try again…

Third time’s the charm, and I have certification.

Girl-beard Joanne then gave me her second beer token after she realized that she drank like a girl, and thus, couldn’t finish two beers. As much as I was starting to think that it would be a bad idea, I wasn’t going to let a free beer go undrunk. I also hate to be such a stereotype, but my Asian genetics were concocted for drinking advanced algebra, and not beer – let alone beer against a solo stroopwafel in the stomach. Wait, didn’t I just plane in from Asia a few hours ago? To recap:

First beer, properly gulped.

Second beer, properly poured and gulped.

“Third beer, unicorn and balls! Shiny beautiful!”

“I hate you. Please go away or I eat your gizzard.”


If you want the sophisticated CONTINUATION, please click here.

If you missed what happened before, please click this instead.

If you want to go through past TRAVEL pieces, please go here.

If you want to visit stuff about FOOD, please go here.

Categories: [food], [travel]

[2] Comments


  • Dodge says:
    November 15, 2012 A.D. at 4:51 PM

    “Because tourists will sniff anything.”
    “Putting the am in Amsterdam.”

    These are priceless!!!

    • Ronan says:
      November 15, 2012 A.D. at 6:40 PM

      you can put the am in amsterdam twice.



Leave a Reply