All of Us Are Scrooged
A Christmas Gift Guide with Serving Suggestions

Unfortunately, the Mayans were wrong. Congratulations, humanity. Yet again, we have been granted the privilege to eat and breathe our way into the holiday seasons, secure in the knowledge that our Groupons will remain valid into 2013, that our iDevices will still get major upgrades, and that Tagalized Koreanovelas will always figure into our primetime programming.

No, the world did not end, and we remain blissful participants in this universal entropy. Homo sapiens prevails. Why do we even try?

Happy Holidays, everyone! Don’t worry, though…along with those kidney stones, the holidays will pass in a few more days. We can finally say goodbye to the oxymoron that is ‘holiday driving’ – goodbye to our mabuhey lanes, our reduced IQs, and our diminishing life expectancies. I can’t say the same for ‘Christmas In Our Hearts’, however. Jose Mari will outlive us all. That carol will see us to our wizened, incontinent years – always there to fill us with a sticky feeling that, for a change, won’t be in our diapers (but much worser).

Of course, I’m pissed. Had the world ended, I wouldn’t even need a Christmas list. Thanks to an ancient Mesoamerican clerical error, I now require some last minute gift shopping. And no, none of you is getting a Starbucks mug.

Don’t judge me, though. I know that a lot of you are in the same predicament, if only for the few imaginary readers who sent me emails asking about gift advice for boys. Well, good on them, because I’m feeling mighty generous. Christmas should be made special, after all, if only for the kids. I was in the middle of preparing for a fashion post when they emailed, but whatever…

Enjoy!
[Read More…]

Categories: [dickery], [fashion], [toys]

[5 Comments]
On the Lamb: Paris 2012 (Part Quatre)
The Bloggist Is Away

By chance, our first day in Paris was also our anniversary – although I wouldn’t be surprised if Joanne had planned it that way because she’s devious like you wouldn’t know.

The sun was yet to set on this most eventful day. The girl-beard and I had so far gone through a proper scam, a proper French lunch, and a proper rainy cemetery – all were priceless experiences. You cannot, for example, pay to have a con steal your money because that would be stupid. You cannot also assign a monetary value to a hearty French meal (except when you compute it at 52 pesos to the euro). The same thing applies for a visit to Père Lachaise cemetery for the simple reason that it doesn’t charge admission.

Well, that was certainly worth it. Free entrance, you said? What’s our next order of business?


Because we are so there.

[Read More…]

Categories: [fitness], [travel]

[No Comments]
On the Lamb: Paris 2012 (Part Trois)
The Bloggist Is Away

Our first day in Paris didn’t go as swimmingly as we expected. Within an hour of arriving, Joanne and I experienced an authentic Parisian scam at the train station. This incident drove me to a bit of paranoia, although succeeding events had allowed me to reassess my feelings for the city. More than anything, it was our excellent late lunch that convinced me that Paris was going to be fun – if only it weren’t so expensive…

By some strange cosmological alignment, our first day in Paris coincided with our anniversary – how ideal! To soak in the sights and sounds of gay Paris on a lavish afternoon tryst… what an occasion would that be for a boy and his beard? Oh, to be swept away by The City of Love!


And so it was that we went to the cemetery…

[Read More…]

Categories: [travel]

[No Comments]
On the Lamb: Paris 2012 (Part Deux)
The Bloggist Is Away

With apologies to ‘Hot Shots!’.

We’ll always have Paris. And Paris will always have our €61. Despite that earlier incident, the girl-beard and I refused to let the rest of the day go to waste. We couldn’t afford to. For cheap travelers like us, Paris was simply too expensive for sulking (or for anything, really).

Nevertheless, the con would color the rest of our stay, if only for the hyper-vigilance he brought about. I was on edge so often that it felt as if I was constantly buzzed from single-handedly man-fighting a sex trafficking syndicate in Paris – but that was just the plot of ‘Taken’.


If you plagiarize my movie again, I will find you, and I will kill you. [thanks, Taken]

[Read More…]

Categories: [food], [travel]

[No Comments]
On the Lamb: Paris 2012 (Part Un)
The Bloggist Is Away

We were on our third day in Europe, a displaced dude and his girl-beard. The two days we spent in Amsterdam were fun – we sure didn’t want to leave so soon – but we couldn’t help but feel excited for our next stop…

You’d think that one entered Paris to be instantly greeted by the steely imposition of the Eiffel Tower, but not quite. Having arrived a couple of hours before noon, it was not exactly The City of Lights yet, but that was expected. Because we took a train from the Netherlands, our first experience of Paris was Gare du Nord, the ‘North Station’. I snapped up this token picture:


Don’t worry, the Eiffel Tower will be in EVERY photo later.

[Read More…]

Categories: [dickery], [travel]

[No Comments]
Off Bleat #2: Wilson Phillips (Reprise)
Our Bloggist Looks Back at Formative Influences

Well, we’ve already established that I love Wilson Phillips on a level that could be a bit unhealthy for a grown heterosexual male. What next? We refer to recent events, of course…

Finding out that Wilson Phillips were coming to Manila felt to me like discovering money in an old pair of baggy jeans, except with a bit more schoolgirl giddiness. I didn’t expect it, but that wouldn’t stop me from getting excited.

At the same time, I felt confused. Have I just become a prime demographic for nostalgia promoters? Am I that old? Surely not! Weren’t the 90s only ten years ago? What? This couldn’t be happening…


I shall cope by doing a 90210 marathon. [thanks, 90210]

[Read More…]

Categories: [celebrity], [events], [music], [nostalgia]

[1 Comment]
Off Bleat #2: Wilson Phillips
Our Bloggist Looks Back at Formative Influences

Before I even discovered cassettes and glands, there was pop radio. I was a helpless and impressionable young gentleman at the mercy of mass media – which told me to listen to music that was hip, phat, and wiggity-wack. It’s exactly this kind of involuntary musical exposure that I wanted to address through this series.
We realize eventually that not all of our formative favorites retain a cachet of cool. Tastes can be quite fickle. We just need to be honest to ourselves, really. And if it’s anything, this series is honest – it’s about full disclosure. It is so honest that I am obliged to tell you that the rest of this blog is LIES. I’m a liar. It’s because I lie.

The first installment of Off-Bleat (ugh) came in July, where I had the opportunity to write about Backdraft, the best Filipino metal band of the 90s (in Loyola Heights, Quezon City (near McDonald’s)).

Coming from that post about a seminal Filipino rawk outfit (not) named after a Ron Howard film about firefighters, we now progress onto the next logical chapter: a multi-platinum pop vocal trio composed of the daughters of influential musicians from the Golden Age of American popular music. The cute blonde to the left, incidentally, married the star of that hyperlinked movie (who isn’t Kurt Russell).

Wilson Phillips”, you say? “Is he a singer?” “No, you poor thing. I’d slug you if you weren’t a little kid. They’re a girl group.” And you say, “But only a guy who is A GAY would listen to a girl group! Are you A GAY?” “Unfortunately, no. I’m not A GAY. But, yes – they are a girl group. In fact, they are the best-selling girl group ever.”


Duh. It’s never gay when you dress up like cowboys. [thanks, Wilson Phillips]

[Read More…]

Categories: [celebrity], [events], [music], [nostalgia]

[No Comments]
On the Lamb: Amsterdam 2012 (Part Negen)
The Bloggist Is Away

It was now early evening in Amsterdam. Despite this being only our second day, we would already be leaving the city by next morning.

Given our short visit, we stupidly packed a lot of activities into the previous day. Having learned something of a lesson from that disaster, we programmed this day to be less brisk. So far, we found some cheese and non-weed, and then ended up here at the Damrak.

My girl-beard, Joanne, and I were still wandering around the Damrak, counting down the hours to our imminent departure. The city had been really good to us and we didn’t want to leave. Also, how could we go without first seeing real prostitutes?


They should be just a bit further from the condom store…

[Read More…]

Categories: [culture], [travel]

[No Comments]
On the Lamb: Amsterdam 2012 (Part Acht)
The Bloggist Is Away

Our second day in Amsterdam was winding down.

Compared to our hectic first day, this day seemed tamer, but only in the sense that it had so far been less physically demanding. Yeah, we started off with harmless cheese, but we did follow it up with weed (sort of) and unlimited pancakes at sea.

I know what you’re thinking: Hold on a minute, you idiot bloggist… you already found the drugs, but where are the prostitutes?


I could answer that if my face weren’t so full of pancake.

[Read More…]

Categories: [food], [travel]

[No Comments]
On the Lamb: Amsterdam 2012 (Part Zeven)
The Bloggist Is Away

This bloggist and his girl-beard, Joanne, had so far been in Amsterdam for a day and a half. All things considered, the previous day went rather nicely, if a slight bit tipsily.

Earlier today, the two wretches thought to imbibe a bit of culture – through several meanings of the word – by participating in a Reypenaer cheese tasting session.

Here was our bloggist receiving his ‘I just ate six kinds of Dutch cheese’ certification from Reypenaer’s resident cheesemaster, the friendly Ron:


“Oh, the things I endure for these insufferable tourist types.”

[Read More…]

Categories: [food], [travel]

[No Comments]