Tracts and Field Trips

Hi kids! I understand that you traveled a long way from the province today for your field trip. Well, good for you! It is a special day in Quezon City, being the birth anniversary of Manuel L. Quezon himself, so… welcome to SM North EDSA. What the hell?

Would that your teachers had the sense to bring you to a more appropriate place – something, say, educational – but let’s make do with what we have. This is a magical place to learn about Metro Manila’s high culture. Case in point: to your right is a health clinic. When you feel a strange tingling in your tinkling, you may go there to pee in a cup. A stranger will then inform you in JUST AN HOUR whether something is wrong with your naughty bits by checking for pus cells in your urine. This is called a weeweenalysis. Do you tingle when you tinkle? Feel fire when you jingle? Like a worm in your winkle? You probably have something we grownups call UTI. Please don’t be alarmed – it’s actually neither fire nor worm. Your sensitive bits are just infested with dirty loads of evil bacteria. This is why you should always drink water! It’s also why you shouldn’t talk to strange men in a Metro Manila shopping mall. When you get home tonight, you may tell your parents that you “got accosted by a creepy adult who gave you an unsolicited introduction about urological afflictions”. Hopefully, they’ll think twice next time before allowing their kids to go on field trips to shopping malls, lest they “get accosted by a creepy adult who’ll give them an unsolicited introduction about urological afflictions”. With luck, they may even put a curse on your teachers for what happened. Even luckier, when you become parents or teachers, may you fondly remember your encounter with this ‘mentally questionable adult’, and realize that organizing field trips for children to a goddamn shopping mall, even if it’s in the lush urban paradise of Quezon City, is never a very good idea.

I hope I haven’t scared you much, kids. Please remember next time that you really shouldn’t talk to random strangers who approach you. Just the same, please don’t worry too much about what I said. Guys rarely get UTI, and when they do, they’ll think it’s only a hernia. Girls, on the other hand, won’t experience as much pain with UTI, although they are statistically likely to get it more often.

See you around, children! I have to pick up my results in a bit. Mabuhay!

Categories: [metro], [pellets], [violence]

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